The White Cloth: A formal introduction to my forthcoming docuseries
If you know anything about my background and upbringing, this documentary (in progress) is not news to you. In recent years I've expressed through essays, instagram posts, conversation and many text messages, my frustrations of being the single mixed race black girl in the many white spaces I have found myself in. From being raised by my mother and step father, both white, being one of the very few black girls in a very privileged school system, going on to college and joining a white sorority, and joining the white dominated industry that is fashion and celebrity styling; I have faced my fair share of adversity. It wasn't until 2018 that I even realized I wasn't seen as a half white, half black, mixed race girl. It was a frozen slap to the face realizing that I am seen and considered a black woman in America. I have no issue with this, except for the fact that I don't relate to anything in Black culture. I feel more left out around black women than I ever had around white girls. I feel like am imposter accepting the struggle of a black person in America, a struggle I felt, and still sometimes feel, I have had no right to.
When I hit a wall of not understanding why things felt a little bit tougher for me than my white counterparts, I said to someone I considered a sister, "I think things have been harder for me because I'm black." This was so hard for me to say, especially out-loud, let alone admit to myself. I had for so long felt unwavering anxiety walking into every room I had ever been in. But I never understood why. This was one of the first moments I opened myself up to being vulnerable with a girl I felt deserved to hear my real feelings and the affects many situations have had on me throughout my life.
Unfortunately, I was met with what sounded like a response comparable to All Lives Matter, "Amelia, it's hard for ALL of us," she said, with disdain in her tone. I could never look at her the same. My stomach tied in the most furious of knots and from that moment on I wrote off anyone who didn't understand me. It had been 32 years of suppressing my experience and I had not a shred left of me to spare.
The after math of an essay I wrote about my experience being the only black girl in a white sorority, in a mostly white greek system, was not unsurprising. I was more surprised about the few girls that reached out in support. But that quickly dissipated into a non-invite to a sorority reunion in the city. This stung in particular because I could have attended for the first time in years being that I moved back to New York (From Los Angeles) to help my mom take care of my step father, who had been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Stung even worse because they invited the guy I introduced them to who didn't even go to college with me instead. (See: gas-lighting, back stabbing cunts for reference)
That gave me the cue to give up on almost everyone that I knew. I made it my mission to hone in on art. I wanted to tell my story, express my pain, and connect with others who had faced this similar adversity or dealt with this specific struggle. To say I was angry, depressed and confused at first would be an understatement. But seeing my step father's life change so quickly, I knew I had no time to lose. Life is so short, and our stories are so important. I bled my tears into my project, The White Cloth.
The White Cloth is a visual perspective about the experience of white passing and mixed race black people existing in white spaces. It's about constantly feeling like the other in the room. The loneliness, the overlooking and the invisible experience that is being mixed. Ginny and Georgia has been the closest show created to translate such a beautiful summation of what feels like my exact experience in High School. But I want to tell the real version too. And share other's stories and see where our lives and experiences and have intersected and what may have been easier, or harder, and why.
If you know someone or are yourself a mixed race black person, I would love to hear from you. Whether you grew up in predominately white or black areas, your story means something to me, and I would love to connect to share your story. Let's talk.
In the meantime, feel free to give me feedback on the introduction to The White Cloth.
xo <3